Moon and Spirits

The moon is bright
On this starry, starry night
Round the bonfire, people are merry
Singing and dancing and cheering
I watch quietly from the side
Too reluctant to enter the spotlight
Yet I am happy, smiling in contentment

Then the breeze, bearing your scent
Envelops me like a gentle embrace
Such a tease
Maybe it is just me, but
Your scent, the invisible embrace and
What feels like a kiss on my shoulder
Become more pronounced, firmer, stronger
Sending shivers down my spine
Throwing me into a whirlwind of confusion
Of senses

Is Mother Nature taunting me
For so often you are unavailable
Reminding me of a friend’s complaint to her stoic lover
Can’t you please me just this one time?
Ah, indeed you are capable of pleasing
Capable enough to sustain me in the painful wait
Before another chance of loving

So I ache in silence
As your scent fades away
And the embrace turns into
Cold evening breeze

The moon is bright
On this starry, starry night
Round the bonfire, people are merry
Singing and dancing and cheering
I sit quietly, smiling wryly
Longing for you to breathe on my skin

Have A Blessed Xmas!

... With Christianity suddenly a true force, the Bishop of Rome ordered, in 137 A.D., that Christ’s birth be honored with a festival. In 325, the first Christian emperor, Constantine the Great, said Christmas was an “immovable feast” to be observed on December 25 – a day with built-in resonance in the area. By then the holy day was known as Mass of Christ, Christ’s Mass, Christ-mass. Since Christ’s name in Greek is Xristos, many centuries later – circa 1500 – Christmas would be called, by some societies, Xmas. In 20th century America this would come to be seen by many as a denigration, but in fact it was just as respectful as the original Roman term.

From Christmas Around the World
By The Editors of LIFE (2004)
Time Inc. Home Entertainment

Father, I am not asking to be the center of his universe
I know I should not
Yet, if You will, please unite our hearts
May we love each other the way You will
As You desire to immerse your church in your Spirit
Immerse us in unconditional love for each other
Though the fire and heat may dim sometimes
May we cherish the deep and quiet love
You alone have given us to keep

May You lead us
Give us grace and wisdom in living and loving
May we communicate with understanding
Not be negligent of each other’s needs
May You strengthen us
To serve each other, to serve You
Despite our weaknesses and idiosyncrasies
May we love, honor and cherish each other
At all times

May we always be grateful to You
The Heart of all joy, peace and love
The Heart of all loving hearts

The blame of our misdeeds not to be cast upon God.
The one power which rests with man is the power of volition.
~ Tertullian

She laid on the chairs she had put together in that darkened corner. Her back hurt slightly on the uncomfortable makeshift bed. Still for that while it would suffice. Breathing deeply, she felt her muscles gradually relaxed. The sound of conversations became soft murmurs in her ears. She kept her eyes open nevertheless. 15 minutes, she reminded herself, trying to resist the temptations to drift into the oblivion, and to think forbidden thoughts. Difficult, as she was almost hoping, that she would feel him there, in the darkness of that corner, behind the curtains, even for just a second, brushing his lips against hers.

Colloquial

By Rupert Brooke

It was not that you said I thought you knew,
Or that you thought I said that you, my dear,
Felt what I felt you felt. If it were clear,
Had God given soul to me, or sense to you,
Or guts, indeed, to either of the two,
Had it been worth a smile, or worth a tear,
Heart of my heart.

Sometimes the source of frustration lies less in the amount of duty than in the inadequacy of time, energy and resources to accomplish what one truly desires.

occupation slave

I thought I loathed Physics
until little children came asking
how a violin produced its sound
and I explained to them
the laws of friction and vibration
the propagating waves (beautiful phrase)
through the strings, bridge, soundpost and wooden box
How the bow pressure changes when gliding on strings
Why and how bowhold affects tone production
the laws of energy, resistance and force
volume and amplitude
ah, Physics is wonderful

i hate the world

Can you convince me they are not
Flogging me to death

I’ve been crying, really I have
Tried telling myself I’ll be fine
I’ll only come out stronger
More effective, more efficient,
More competent

But I keep crying

They are flogging me to death

Love me when I less deserve it,
because it is when I need it most.
~Chinese proverb

Learned from His Story (part 2)

Now my brother has a new love, his fiancée
Who shares his laughter and frustrations

She whose name he mentions each day
You know, she’s good at this and that
In this situation she would take this step

See that sparkle in his eyes
Perhaps he has finally found the one

Learned from His Story (part 1)

I remember how my brother
Remarked the end of his relationship
With the one he almost married, some time ago

I feel loss, he said, It’s like..
Losing your favorite toy.

Well I guess what he really was saying was
He loved her, but not that much
Never to that extent

Maybe he already knew deep down
It would end somehow

My Knight

Good Knight
A face so handsome
Yet so laden with care
A noble soul
Now so weary

If only you will
I shall walk with you
By the sea or into the woods
Or have you preferred
Resting in your chambers

If you will, I shall
Touch and caress you
Breathe on your skin
Kiss you where you desire
Do everything to soothe you

Come rest your face
On my loving bosom
Command, tell me how
And I shall give my all
To delight and comfort you

When will you understand?
You don't have to be the best-looking man in the room
wearing the fanciest, most expensive clothing
I don't need someone who is super high maintenance
Just someone fairly presentable
Don't you see that I'd rather have
Intellect, ideas, words
Character and conduct
Your Integrity
Your Heart

Supportive caring relationships are a biological necessity and not a luxury. No matter how well balanced we feel on our own, we need others to help complete us. We need others to help us find our rightful place in the world, and feel truly at home. To be genuinely happy and healthy, we need to expand our sense of self to include all those that play a significant role in our life.
~ Charlie Badenhop, the originator of Seishindo

Common Courtesy

3 p.m. tomorrow
As the plane touches the runway
I will have braced myself
Welcome back
Face the nosy people
Their intrigued smiles
And superficial concerns
How do you do?
How is so and so?
Ooh.. how does she do?
Smile, nod,
Answer politely,
Very well, thank you.
How do you do?

Spinoza

By Rivkah Moses

Spinoza's donkey-
So perversely rational
As to be stupid.

What beast in its right mind
Wouldn't turn
To the right
Or left
To eat its fill?

I laugh,
Yet am guilty of the same.

While waiting for the
Perfect, rational proof
That I'm worthy of love,
I stand, stiffly,
And starve.

(Click on picture to enlarge)

Frazzled

How long has it been since I last enjoyed my obligation-free holiday.. that holiday when I can do ‘nothing’.. save those I feel like doing.. and not even worry about spending too much and getting fat?

Ten years – no, fifteen, twenty years!

Is the grown-up world that malicious?

Holidays have become synonymous with endless demands from the gods of the world. There is ‘no choice’ but to obediently, dutifully, attend to others’ needs. There is ‘no choice’ but to whip myself to run faster in this rat race world – not so I can win the race, just so I won’t be left too far behind. There is ‘no choice’ but to do my work.

“You can change the way you look at it,” says someone.

But I have become too guilty to sleep. I can’t even enjoy a massage without having a million thoughts running through my mind.

Like a candle burned from both sides.

There was a day in university, when I decided to skip classes for one whole day – ‘floating’ at home, doing nothing, with no questions asked – simply to de-clutter my heart and my mind. How resurrected I felt the next day!

I’m glad I did it. Grateful for it.

There is no more chance do it now. If I skip there’ll be arrangement to do for my substitutes, who will most likely be unhappy. My bosses will demand a ‘professional’ explanation. And the HRD will deduct my salary.. dammit.

Have I reached the point of no return?

Never before had I slept on a bed of a man
A man outside my family, until that night
When in darkness I laid, smiling when I felt
The contour of your mattress
The trace of your torso and long limbs

Midnight was approaching
I sighed in anxiety, why were you not home?
A long wait before your steps came close
And your voice, your annoyed tone,
Explaining to your folks what took you so long

Should I get up to bid you good night?
But I should be sleeping, so
I hoped you would come in quietly,
See how I slept, give me a chance to
Run my fingers through your hair

You didn’t

But you were home safe
I smiled in relief, and had a peaceful sleep

It is amazing, sometimes
Pain can make you realize just how alive you are
This knowledge.. revelation, does not take away the pain
Still it is beautiful

"When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not."

Help me, search me, find me,
Scream, make me hear you
I am drifting on this sea
Of Life (or Death?)
I'm not sure where I am
I don't know where I am going
I can't even hear you
(if you ever call at all)

home with you

It’s been a crazy, hectic day
I’m so exhausted
Want to run to you, feel your
Protective arms around me
Rest my face on your chest
Breathe in your scent
Can we sit together
And just chill, can I
Have you gently kiss me,
Lay my head on your shoulder
And fall asleep there

A favorite line from the movie Love Actually:
"I'm very busy and important. How can I help you?"

We need to do more than existing - we must live
Spending 40 years working overtime is not living

"I made an agreement of peaceful coexistence with time: neither he pursues me, nor I run from him, one day we will find each other." ~ Mario Lago

"It’s absurd to think that you could hurt people who love you and not apologize - because they love you ... It is time we all learn how to mend those mistakes and give our loved ones the healing - from us - they deserve. If you refuse to say you’re sorry, you’re re-injuring your partner and compounding your mistake by not owning it. Step up and own it - your partner will feel better and so will you." ~ Lisa Merlo-Booth

random

I know many will kill me for asking but I can’t help wondering. Christians blame the ‘fallen world’ for so much suffering the creation has to endure, and we can give only vague answers to when it all will end. Why didn’t God just destroy everything and start over when Lucifer betrayed Him and Adam and Eve went astray?

I know I lack heaven’s perspective, so don’t give me long lectures because of my question above.

I hate growing up.

As strange as it sounds, I always think Mozart died young because he refused to grow up.

I must be having my pms.

Damn insecurity. Damn insecurity. Damn insecurity. dammit

Have you noticed that many Oriental girls who are trained to be quiet and submissive in their childhood turn into talkative control freaks when they enter middle age?

Isn’t that a scary thought?

Fix You

from Coldplay's Fix You:

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse..

I guess most if not all people can identify with that sometimes.
(Mine happens to be now)

But then comes my favorite part..

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

:)

“Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas.”
~ Albert Einstein

“The cello is like a beautiful woman who has not grown older, but younger with time, more slender, more supple, more graceful.”
~ Pablo Casals

So this girl lashed out her frustrations
Of having too many people controlling her
Decisions.
"But it is MY life, MY life!" she exclaimed
Half-screaming in the crowd
And I sat there, watching, listening
Wondering if she should let her temper
Her emotions, get the better of her
But now I look back
With admiration
At her fierce determination
Her courage
To go against the flow
She knew what she wanted
And would fight for it
Against pressures from all sides
Against conformity
She was brave
What about me?
Pushed from all sides to conform
Can I stand and fight
Do I have that courage at all

You called me fat and ugly
(not necessarily something I enjoy hearing, but..)
then complimented me for not being (that) high maintenance
(thanks for pointing out what really matters..)

Thanks for taking me out for sushi
though you never really like uncooked food
also for that delicious Korean cuisine, and the comforting soju
and for the heart-warming coffee in the morn
and fresh juice on weekends..

Thank you for giving good advice,
and keeping me on track, as stern as you are
I guess loving words are just not your forte, and that's okay

I know you love me

I love you too

I never said, but really
I admire Heidi Klum
She is a masterpiece
Truly a work of art
One I marvel at
Even though she
Does my self-esteem
More harm than good

A Beautiful Daybreak

A state of gentle delirium
With you closing on me
Caressing my shoulder
Breathing behind my ear
Your kiss on the nape of my neck
Gently went down my spine
I shivered
Smiled in delight
Softly moaned myself into consciousness

Wonder what he's thinking?
"Football. Sex. Food. Sex. Politics. Work. That weird smell in the car. World peace. Sex. Am I good looking? Work. Sex."
Are we so different after all? Uh, yes.
- Anonymous

Questioned

Once I met a man who had a liking of me
So he drew me in and made me fell for him
The naïve me fell without restraint
Gave so much, trusted too much
Never knowing
His wife was heavily pregnant
He was stealing a chance to play around
No wonder he once secretly brushed his hand on my bum

Now, with the hail and storms past
With my tangled feelings of
Respect and suppressed anger
I smile a polite smile to return his
Meaningful, almost loving glances
Is there gratitude inside his smile
For he did change after our encounter
Indeed he now wears his wedding band
But then, he changed
After enough parties were crushed

Men, oh Men

O you happy couples of the earth
How do you brook
How do you manage?

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unsheath your weapon
its gleaming edge
draw that sacred sword
across my neck

God is forever an Entity too infinite to be defined and boxed in human finite minds.

Chill

So I spent two and a half hours watching ESPN
and National Geographic in between ads
Not that I really understood what was going on
Don't even know what ESPN stands for
or TNT, for that matter
But as the saying goes it's a learning experience
and learning experiences are worthwhile
Besides
with bruised shoulders and knees and one hurting leg
love marks left by the hardwood floor in Aikido class
sitting and doing nothing - chill -
did seem irresistible
So I delved in and snugged into his seat
and got a little too comfortable
since I started to baby-talk like
the kind I use only with my eldest bro
when no one else is around and I am free
to just be vulnerable and still feel safe
fully assured that I'm still loved
Like a getaway from weekdays facade;
assertive and smart and strong
Chill
Some guys there did really cool dunks
Amazing what human bodies can do
The massive airplane project was successful
Time to chill now, but
Humanity - where are we heading?
Chill

Love Quotes

(A tribute to Humanity on Valentine's Day)

Jangan pernah menyanjung cinta bila tak mengerti maknanya cinta. - Melly Goeslaw, Hanya.

People say they "find" love, as if it were an object hidden by a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love ... a grateful love, a deep but quiet love [and] above all else ... irreplaceable. - Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

In all famous love affairs the lovers have to struggle. - Max Detweiler in The Sound of Music musical.

God is hard to believe, ask all believers ... Love is hard to believe, ask all lovers. - Yann Martel, Life of Pi.

Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive. - Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

Wahai pujangga cinta, biar membelai indah. Teladani kalbuku, jujurlah pada hatimu. Ada apa dengan Cinta? Perbedaan aku dan engkau biar menjadi bait dalam puisi cinta terindah. - Melly Goeslaw, Ada Apa dengan Cinta.

Nobody dies from the lack of sex. It's lack of love we die from. - Atsuo Inoue

Love is the best when you are alive. - Atsuo Inoue

Love does not have to end happily, because Love does not have to end. - Anonymous

Shreds of Glass

Her heart is shreds of glass
Beaten and crushed
Now she struggles to hang upon
Those sharp-edged shreds of Life
Dangling, above the City of Death

The Dead beneath lift their hands
Of shredded flesh and eternal bloods
Stench fuming, grasping upwards
To seize her and make her their own
The Devil hisses among their moans

Shreds of glass slash through her soul
And tears from her blinded eyes burn
On her melting flesh under the scorching sun
Fresh drops of blood trickle down her wounds
Dripping onto the jeering Dead below

She screams the scream of
Great Pain and Greater Fear
The citizens of the world hear none
They too, are dangling and falling
Into the City of Death

Chemistry

7th and 9th chords..

I should be doing my marking on this sunny Sunday, while surrounded by those red bricks and tons of paperwork.. Right.. and in fact just because this is SUNDAY, given the fact that I'm already in my working closet, I've been doing less than important things other than marking: savoring jazz, surfing the net, and blogging.

As if anyone cares at all. No one, no really.

Passion

Two nights ago, I
scratched myself in my sleep
leaving a good 6” scar on my arm
(only 4” left today)
It was another dream of
he and I, in a heat
I had embraced him from behind
Kissed his back and pulled him close
Skin on skin
And my fingers, as if to avow he is mine
buried themselves into his abdominals
(lean and strong, tell you)
and pulled, leaving him
my love inscription there
…
Today, underneath my shirt
I wore a half-cup halter top
A bare minimum on my skin
Imagined his fingers
tracing my shoulders and down
along length of my arm, and
…

Mothers' Stories

Four Catholic mothers are chit-chatting in a café.

The first mother says to her three friends, “My son is a Priest. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone greets him ‘Father’”.

Not to be defeated, the second mother says, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone greets him ‘Blessed Bishop’”.

The third mother adds on, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone greets him ‘Holy Cardinal’”.

The fourth mother remains silent.

Finally, no longer patient in waiting, the three mothers ask in chorus, “What about your son?”

The fourth mother replies, “My son is a successful young executive. He’s six feet tall.. has broad chest and muscled arms.. He's friendly.. very handsome, and always well-dressed. Everytime he walks into a room, all women sigh, ‘Oh my God…’”.

Upset

How dare you accuse me of establishing a new religion
Do you think I treat religions like, what, clothing lines?
So what if I don't agree with you on some issues
Would you immediately, impulsively,
call me a heretic, exclude me from the Family?
as if you know everything
Interesting, how you make those around you feel
Condemned
and at the same time saying
There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus

Shyness

Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people. - André Dubus

Life is beautiful, but being stressed out is never that pretty.

i wanna die
problem with christianity is
you no longer fear death -
going to heaven anyway
i wanna die
wanna die

While I should be doing my paperwork

I just fixed my mini (2" long) torch that had stayed put in my pencil case for months. A knob got loose somehow and I'd been ignoring it until minutes ago -- when fixing the torch suddenly seemed like a much better alternative to finishing a mountain of paperwork. So there, my (also mini) Swiss Army knife got something to play with.

So it's fixed. Not bad eh, considering I never took up any Sciences in university and flunked Physics in high school - sort of. The knob is still somewhat loose and maybe I'll need to fix it again in a few months. I thought of using some Super Glue or a mini spring to help tighten the knob but wondered if it would affect the electrical current.

Come have a look if you're good with these things, and if I know you.
Meanwhile, time to go back to work.
*sigh*

Like What You Want

I will be good
Behave myself
Act professional at all times
Maintain my composure
and your dignity
Work incessantly
Achieve more, and more
Like an exemplary workaholic
And find a different avenue to LET LOOSE
(Though Jesus says through the narrow road we must go)

ghosts

Felt your breath past my ear, my neck
One fleeting second
The warmth it left on my skin
Lingered, but only a little longer
If only I can relive that moment
Or ask for more if I may
But you looked away
Not knowing if I should stay
Unlike the ghost you once were
Came to me in a dream
Caught me off guard
Cornered me and held me tight
So tight I gasped for breath
Your hair carressed my cheek
As you planted your lips on my neck
And you in silence made me felt
Your heat and your sweat
Your love and lust and more
But then
It was only a ghostly dream
The ghosts we once were

From my Heart Songs collection

Written on December 18, 2005

Tempted

I am definitely not in love with you
You one lurking Danger
You do sometimes slip into my mind
And I’ve imagined how it feels like to kiss you
Still, I’m not giving the world only for you
Ah, but
You have now become so alluring
Is it your sheer confidence
That unique sense of humor
and occasional teasing
Perhaps it’s your handsome eyes
Glowing, gentle but naughty
“Did you get married?”
I was startled, then laughed
Couldn’t believe myself that I -
in fact - was thrilled you asked
“Guess that means not yet.”
You smiled a winning smile
I turned and went my way
Shivering with excitement
Hate to admit
As dangerous as you are
I am tempted

Terminus

Two years and counting
of
Denials
Self-deception
Anxiety, delirium, confusion
If you are tired
I too am
Drained
Dying
Tell me then, who is in control here?
You can shut me out
I'll only slip away in silence
But if
You
Would
Come and hold me
Taste me, and let me taste you
Make me feel beautiful
Convince me there's a way
Tell me we can work this out somehow
Though untrue
I will believe in you

i
no
longer
know
what
to
do
with
my
life

please, murder me

prologue

Starting a new blog
Deleted the previous one
Reasons are abound but
Mostly undisclosable
If you really want to know
Come and talk to me
Who knows
Perhaps then I can
learn to love (even) you