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Frazzled

How long has it been since I last enjoyed my obligation-free holiday.. that holiday when I can do ‘nothing’.. save those I feel like doing.. and not even worry about spending too much and getting fat?

Ten years – no, fifteen, twenty years!

Is the grown-up world that malicious?

Holidays have become synonymous with endless demands from the gods of the world. There is ‘no choice’ but to obediently, dutifully, attend to others’ needs. There is ‘no choice’ but to whip myself to run faster in this rat race world – not so I can win the race, just so I won’t be left too far behind. There is ‘no choice’ but to do my work.

“You can change the way you look at it,” says someone.

But I have become too guilty to sleep. I can’t even enjoy a massage without having a million thoughts running through my mind.

Like a candle burned from both sides.

There was a day in university, when I decided to skip classes for one whole day – ‘floating’ at home, doing nothing, with no questions asked – simply to de-clutter my heart and my mind. How resurrected I felt the next day!

I’m glad I did it. Grateful for it.

There is no more chance do it now. If I skip there’ll be arrangement to do for my substitutes, who will most likely be unhappy. My bosses will demand a ‘professional’ explanation. And the HRD will deduct my salary.. dammit.

Have I reached the point of no return?

Never before had I slept on a bed of a man
A man outside my family, until that night
When in darkness I laid, smiling when I felt
The contour of your mattress
The trace of your torso and long limbs

Midnight was approaching
I sighed in anxiety, why were you not home?
A long wait before your steps came close
And your voice, your annoyed tone,
Explaining to your folks what took you so long

Should I get up to bid you good night?
But I should be sleeping, so
I hoped you would come in quietly,
See how I slept, give me a chance to
Run my fingers through your hair

You didn’t

But you were home safe
I smiled in relief, and had a peaceful sleep

It is amazing, sometimes
Pain can make you realize just how alive you are
This knowledge.. revelation, does not take away the pain
Still it is beautiful

"When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not."

Help me, search me, find me,
Scream, make me hear you
I am drifting on this sea
Of Life (or Death?)
I'm not sure where I am
I don't know where I am going
I can't even hear you
(if you ever call at all)

home with you

It’s been a crazy, hectic day
I’m so exhausted
Want to run to you, feel your
Protective arms around me
Rest my face on your chest
Breathe in your scent
Can we sit together
And just chill, can I
Have you gently kiss me,
Lay my head on your shoulder
And fall asleep there