May I see with compassion, I pray,
For I cannot hide my wry smile at
The failed disguise, witnessing
Such fear of the future
The young ladies' anxiety and
The young man's insecurity
2007/12/09
2007/11/25
Just So People Know..
A Man's Shelf Life: Best If Used By 35
By Mark Teich for Psychology Today, October 2007
Teich's Resource Persons:
By looking for perfection in your life before you conceive, there's a very real chance you'll have less perfect kids.
Not only does male fertility decrease decade by decade, especially after age 35, but aging sperm can be a significant and sometimes the only cause of severe health and developmental problems in offspring.
Men produce millions of sperm cells every time they ejaculate. After each ejaculation, they must literally replicate those cells, and each replication multiplies the chance for a DNA "copy error".
In humans as well as in other mammals, when there's new genetic change - called 'de novo or sporadic point mutation' - it almost always happens in the male parent. And these de novo mutations increase in frequency with the age of the male parent.
Several studies have shown that the older the man, the more fragmented the DNA in his ejaculated sperm, resulting in greater risk for infertility, miscarriage or birth defects.
Sperm DNA is damaged by even low levels of free radicals.
Sperm is incapable of repairing itself.
When both parents are aging, the risks to offspring multiply.
"If women are under age 35, the father's age may not matter that much, but if the mother is over 35, advanced male age can be a real problem." (Jabs)
If you're going to get a vasectomy, join the Army, or go through cancer therapy, "I'd advise you to freeze your sperm beforehand." (Muller)
Most men can steer a gentler course just by watching their health.
One key is testosterone, necessary for the maturation of sperm. Testosterone naturally starts to decline in the 30s, but also varies based on factors from weight to heart health.
"Whatever hurts your heart, hurts your penis." (Fisch)
If you want to father a child after age 40, get in the best shape of your life.
By Mark Teich for Psychology Today, October 2007
Teich's Resource Persons:
- James F. Crow, geneticist at University of Wisconsin in Madison
- Harry Fisch, urologist and director of the Male Reproductive Center at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in New York City and author of The Male Biological Clock
- Ethylin Wang Jabs, professor of pediatric genetics at Johns Hopkins University and leader of a recent study showing the link between aging paternity and certain facial deformities in offspring.
- Dolores Malaspina, chair of psychiatry at New York University Medical Center
- Charles Muller, lab director of the Male Fertility Clinic at the University of Washington in Seattle
- Barbara Willet, of the Best Start childhood resource center in Ontario, Canada
By looking for perfection in your life before you conceive, there's a very real chance you'll have less perfect kids.
Not only does male fertility decrease decade by decade, especially after age 35, but aging sperm can be a significant and sometimes the only cause of severe health and developmental problems in offspring.
Men produce millions of sperm cells every time they ejaculate. After each ejaculation, they must literally replicate those cells, and each replication multiplies the chance for a DNA "copy error".
In humans as well as in other mammals, when there's new genetic change - called 'de novo or sporadic point mutation' - it almost always happens in the male parent. And these de novo mutations increase in frequency with the age of the male parent.
Several studies have shown that the older the man, the more fragmented the DNA in his ejaculated sperm, resulting in greater risk for infertility, miscarriage or birth defects.
Sperm DNA is damaged by even low levels of free radicals.
Sperm is incapable of repairing itself.
When both parents are aging, the risks to offspring multiply.
"If women are under age 35, the father's age may not matter that much, but if the mother is over 35, advanced male age can be a real problem." (Jabs)
If you're going to get a vasectomy, join the Army, or go through cancer therapy, "I'd advise you to freeze your sperm beforehand." (Muller)
Most men can steer a gentler course just by watching their health.
One key is testosterone, necessary for the maturation of sperm. Testosterone naturally starts to decline in the 30s, but also varies based on factors from weight to heart health.
"Whatever hurts your heart, hurts your penis." (Fisch)
If you want to father a child after age 40, get in the best shape of your life.
2007/11/13
Congrats
Congratulations to my Eldest Brother who on 11 11 007 has become the lawfully wedded husband of a remarkable woman who likes his quirks, tolerates his whims, forgives his shit, and chose to love and trust him.
2007/09/10
Apparition
I still cannot comprehend why my Soul would kill itself in such a manner - a slow and torturous process of dying. Against all reasons.
I cannot comprehend why, for years, I must wake with this pain in my heart; with the knowledge that when it hurts deeper and longer, you are holding someone else's hand.
A feeling and knowledge for which I bleed, and bleed.
And I bleed more so these days, because I keep seeing and hearing your ghost. It haunts me with no consideration for time and place. It haunts me when I'm a sinner and when I'm a saint. It haunts me more so each time I deny my affection towards you.
I would run, and run, and run. I run in the hope that you would transpire into the air together with my heat and sweat. In the least, that as I increase speed, God is His mercy would let the world suddenly vanish with all existence including you and me and whoever the other person is.
I finished running late one evening. I was going to change when I met him. He smiled. He was pleasant. He asked of things. He asked if I might sometimes join him and his friends for a game or two. I smiled back. Perhaps, I thought, I could learn to slowly let you go.
And then I saw you. Sitting behind him, with your bare back facing us. You were a distance away, but it was your back. I remembered the details, the curves, the sinews. The way you always sat.
For seconds I was speechless, until your back slowly transformed into some random man's with completely different details, and a different way of sitting.
I tried running away. I ran from the places we know.
I went into seclusion. I prayed. I came out after a time, thinking that perhaps God had finally given me the grace to go my way (or where He intends me to), and you yours.
Then you slowly, slowly, passed before me. Sitting in a car with the window rolled down. The way you always held a gadget in your hands - your mobile, or ipod. The way you always raised your eyebrows, feigning indifference.
You haunt me everywhere.
You are crucifying me.
I cannot comprehend why, for years, I must wake with this pain in my heart; with the knowledge that when it hurts deeper and longer, you are holding someone else's hand.
A feeling and knowledge for which I bleed, and bleed.
And I bleed more so these days, because I keep seeing and hearing your ghost. It haunts me with no consideration for time and place. It haunts me when I'm a sinner and when I'm a saint. It haunts me more so each time I deny my affection towards you.
I would run, and run, and run. I run in the hope that you would transpire into the air together with my heat and sweat. In the least, that as I increase speed, God is His mercy would let the world suddenly vanish with all existence including you and me and whoever the other person is.
I finished running late one evening. I was going to change when I met him. He smiled. He was pleasant. He asked of things. He asked if I might sometimes join him and his friends for a game or two. I smiled back. Perhaps, I thought, I could learn to slowly let you go.
And then I saw you. Sitting behind him, with your bare back facing us. You were a distance away, but it was your back. I remembered the details, the curves, the sinews. The way you always sat.
For seconds I was speechless, until your back slowly transformed into some random man's with completely different details, and a different way of sitting.
I tried running away. I ran from the places we know.
I went into seclusion. I prayed. I came out after a time, thinking that perhaps God had finally given me the grace to go my way (or where He intends me to), and you yours.
Then you slowly, slowly, passed before me. Sitting in a car with the window rolled down. The way you always held a gadget in your hands - your mobile, or ipod. The way you always raised your eyebrows, feigning indifference.
You haunt me everywhere.
You are crucifying me.
2007/09/04
You have always looked and sounded like you would recover sooner than me. Perhaps you have. Perhaps you have.. or you'll convince others - and then yourself - that you have.
I used to be sure, as I woke with that familiar pain piercing through my chest, that something had taken place. When it hurt deeper, and it lasted throughout the day, I knew something had happened with you. What and who is it now?
But you said, again and again, "Stay still."
So, even as I bled this morning, I remained still. I knew. I sensed. But I stayed still and bled in silence, because you asked.
Perhaps someday I'll learned to ignore the pain's message.
Perhaps I'll someday stop hearing and seeing your ghost.
Or I'll bleed to my death.
I used to be sure, as I woke with that familiar pain piercing through my chest, that something had taken place. When it hurt deeper, and it lasted throughout the day, I knew something had happened with you. What and who is it now?
But you said, again and again, "Stay still."
So, even as I bled this morning, I remained still. I knew. I sensed. But I stayed still and bled in silence, because you asked.
Perhaps someday I'll learned to ignore the pain's message.
Perhaps I'll someday stop hearing and seeing your ghost.
Or I'll bleed to my death.
2007/08/31
When making love to a woman, start first with her eyes. Notice how they sparkle with excitement, the way little flecks of color reflect meaning as she looks back at you. See there her mind longing to reach you, to be touched in a place held back for an average embrace. When making love to a woman, start first with her eyes, and you will find the true woman, whether heavy or slight, tall or short, large breasted or small.
From her eyes, drop down the length of her nose. Trace the outline of her lips. Let her kiss your fingertips softly in return. Gently stroke her cheek, and do not lose your gaze upon her eyes. Ignite the energy, charged and excited, as electrons race through her body. Then hold her chin in the cusp of your palm, and place your lips upon her forehead, on the space between her eyes, and on the parting of her mouth. Witness all the years she has worn, the lines around her eyes, the worry and the laughter, the wear and tear of life. This is all that she has to offer you.
When you have had a good long look, notice next the tender way her neckline curves, the pulsing of her life through artery from heart to mind. See here her vulnerability. Breathe your heated breath upon her skin. Feel the way her defenses fall away, the way she finds your ear. Hear the soft moan that rumbles like distant summer thunder clouds.
Do not trespass until you know her story. Find the outline of her life in the way her body yields, in the layers and the stretches, in the scars and the pain. Only when you understand her joys and sorrows, her dreams and disappointments, can you honestly make love to a woman. If you still need to learn these things, stop, have some dinner. Wait for another day.
From her eyes, drop down the length of her nose. Trace the outline of her lips. Let her kiss your fingertips softly in return. Gently stroke her cheek, and do not lose your gaze upon her eyes. Ignite the energy, charged and excited, as electrons race through her body. Then hold her chin in the cusp of your palm, and place your lips upon her forehead, on the space between her eyes, and on the parting of her mouth. Witness all the years she has worn, the lines around her eyes, the worry and the laughter, the wear and tear of life. This is all that she has to offer you.
When you have had a good long look, notice next the tender way her neckline curves, the pulsing of her life through artery from heart to mind. See here her vulnerability. Breathe your heated breath upon her skin. Feel the way her defenses fall away, the way she finds your ear. Hear the soft moan that rumbles like distant summer thunder clouds.
Do not trespass until you know her story. Find the outline of her life in the way her body yields, in the layers and the stretches, in the scars and the pain. Only when you understand her joys and sorrows, her dreams and disappointments, can you honestly make love to a woman. If you still need to learn these things, stop, have some dinner. Wait for another day.
Written by (pseudonym) Caroline Wolfe
Do you love her for her, or is she only
One of your options, to someday be discarded
(Are you playing with her feelings?)
Are you (frantically) grappling for love, affection
Some respect, admiration, some reason for self-worth
When you find another, who offers better promises
A greater sense of security, will you banish her
When will you stop measuring your worth by
The desire and acceptance from the opposite sex
One of your options, to someday be discarded
(Are you playing with her feelings?)
Are you (frantically) grappling for love, affection
Some respect, admiration, some reason for self-worth
When you find another, who offers better promises
A greater sense of security, will you banish her
When will you stop measuring your worth by
The desire and acceptance from the opposite sex
2007/08/26
Stop Violence in the Home
"Gender-based violence is perhaps the most shameful human rights violation. As long as it continues, we cannot claim to be making real progress towards equality, development and peace" (Kofi Annan, United Nations Secretary General)
In Indonesia, 16709 cases of domestic violence have been reported in 2006 alone. Considering the culture in this country, where women and children are taught to be reserved, you can perhaps imagine how many more cases were never reported.
PUNDI PEREMPUAN
Yayasan Sosial Indonesia untuk Kemanusiaan
No Rekening: 025-01-00098-00-3
Bank Niaga Cabang Jatinegara - Jakarta Timur
The funds collected will be distributed to more than 20 Women Crisis Centers around Indonesia, including the ones in Sumatra and Nusa Tenggara Timur.
More info:
www.ysik.org
www.komnasperempuan.or.id
komnasperempuan@cbn.net.id
Show some compassion.
In Indonesia, 16709 cases of domestic violence have been reported in 2006 alone. Considering the culture in this country, where women and children are taught to be reserved, you can perhaps imagine how many more cases were never reported.
PUNDI PEREMPUAN
Yayasan Sosial Indonesia untuk Kemanusiaan
No Rekening: 025-01-00098-00-3
Bank Niaga Cabang Jatinegara - Jakarta Timur
The funds collected will be distributed to more than 20 Women Crisis Centers around Indonesia, including the ones in Sumatra and Nusa Tenggara Timur.
More info:
www.ysik.org
www.komnasperempuan.or.id
komnasperempuan@cbn.net.id
Show some compassion.
2007/08/04
The Eternal Sunshine
Waking up to the familiar pain
of Absence, and Loss
Piercing through your chest
You refuse to rise
Duties and pleasures
No longer matter much
Close your eyes
Turn back Time
Turn back Time
Look into his eyes
See that smile
Listen
Feel his palm, remember
The time you first held hands
That leap in your heart
Recall his scent
During the restless nights it
Calmed and lulled you to sleep
The miracle of Creation
where the then bony shoulders
Seemed too enticing to resist
Bring to life the places you know
The sights, scents and sounds
And then him, and you
Your breaths become deep and steady
Tears roll down your cheeks, and
You smile, and open your eyes
You will face the day
of Absence, and Loss
Piercing through your chest
You refuse to rise
Duties and pleasures
No longer matter much
Close your eyes
Turn back Time
Turn back Time
Look into his eyes
See that smile
Listen
Feel his palm, remember
The time you first held hands
That leap in your heart
Recall his scent
During the restless nights it
Calmed and lulled you to sleep
The miracle of Creation
where the then bony shoulders
Seemed too enticing to resist
Bring to life the places you know
The sights, scents and sounds
And then him, and you
Your breaths become deep and steady
Tears roll down your cheeks, and
You smile, and open your eyes
You will face the day
2007/07/22
2007/07/04
Efficiency and Effectiveness
Peter Drucker (1909-2005), an influential business guru, is often quoted for his saying:
Efficiency is doing the job right.
Effectiveness is doing the right job right.
Interestingly, a parallel can be found in the poetic and prophetic writings of Isaiah (ca. 8th century BC):
Does the plowman keep plowing all day to sow?
Does he keep turning his soil and breaking the clods?
When he has leveled its surface,
Does he not sow the black cummin
And scatter the cummin,
Plant the wheat in rows,
The barley in the appointed place,
And the spelt in its place?
For He instructs him in right judgment,
His God teaches him.
For the black cummin is not threshed with a threshing sledge,
Nor is a cartwheel rolled over the cummin;
But the black cummin is beaten out with a stick,
And the cummin with a rod.
Bread flour must be ground;
Therefore he does not thresh it forever.
Break it with his cartwheel,
Or crush it with his horsemen.
This also comes from the Lord of hosts,
Who is wonderful in counsel and excellent in guidance.
(Isaiah 28:24-29, NKJV)
Efficiency is doing the job right.
Effectiveness is doing the right job right.
Interestingly, a parallel can be found in the poetic and prophetic writings of Isaiah (ca. 8th century BC):
Does the plowman keep plowing all day to sow?
Does he keep turning his soil and breaking the clods?
When he has leveled its surface,
Does he not sow the black cummin
And scatter the cummin,
Plant the wheat in rows,
The barley in the appointed place,
And the spelt in its place?
For He instructs him in right judgment,
His God teaches him.
For the black cummin is not threshed with a threshing sledge,
Nor is a cartwheel rolled over the cummin;
But the black cummin is beaten out with a stick,
And the cummin with a rod.
Bread flour must be ground;
Therefore he does not thresh it forever.
Break it with his cartwheel,
Or crush it with his horsemen.
This also comes from the Lord of hosts,
Who is wonderful in counsel and excellent in guidance.
(Isaiah 28:24-29, NKJV)
2007/06/25
Awaken
There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. (Matthew 10:26)
It is that prolonged situation where you are unsure if he ever needs you, if he ever genuinely desires you, if he has used you only to ward off the ones he desires no more.
It is that inner struggle, when you uncover his deceptions and wonder whether to pretend not knowing, or to reveal them and wound his parents’ hearts.
It is when Reality dawned on you: you will never satisfy his pride, you will never reach the point where he willingly acknowledges you.
He never asked you to stay, so you too never pledged anything.
So you decide to altogether stop writing and texting him. Perhaps he never needs them anyway. He never said he did. He never showed he did. Does he not have his pretty entourage – sexy, flirty, sweet and giggly – to satisfy his need for attention?
It crushes you to stop sharing with him your thoughts and feelings, but you learned to; because that was what he taught you in the many times he was silent and cold-shouldered, in the many times he whisked away chances for warmth.
If he really wants you, he’ll come to you, tell you, and show you; because he did those with his pretty friends – he spoke to them, shared himself with them, convinced them he’s worth their love.
So you decide to slip away. As you go, you cry and bleed in silence like you have in these (wasted) years. You pray for the grace not to be bitter and spiteful. You pray, lest you resent his success and rejoice in his downfall.
You pray for his well-being.
And you pray for yourself, for strength and integrity not to use anyone only as temporary escape. You pray for peace.
Then you fade away.
It is that prolonged situation where you are unsure if he ever needs you, if he ever genuinely desires you, if he has used you only to ward off the ones he desires no more.
It is that inner struggle, when you uncover his deceptions and wonder whether to pretend not knowing, or to reveal them and wound his parents’ hearts.
It is when Reality dawned on you: you will never satisfy his pride, you will never reach the point where he willingly acknowledges you.
He never asked you to stay, so you too never pledged anything.
So you decide to altogether stop writing and texting him. Perhaps he never needs them anyway. He never said he did. He never showed he did. Does he not have his pretty entourage – sexy, flirty, sweet and giggly – to satisfy his need for attention?
It crushes you to stop sharing with him your thoughts and feelings, but you learned to; because that was what he taught you in the many times he was silent and cold-shouldered, in the many times he whisked away chances for warmth.
If he really wants you, he’ll come to you, tell you, and show you; because he did those with his pretty friends – he spoke to them, shared himself with them, convinced them he’s worth their love.
So you decide to slip away. As you go, you cry and bleed in silence like you have in these (wasted) years. You pray for the grace not to be bitter and spiteful. You pray, lest you resent his success and rejoice in his downfall.
You pray for his well-being.
And you pray for yourself, for strength and integrity not to use anyone only as temporary escape. You pray for peace.
Then you fade away.
2007/06/23
If you are in love
I pray that she is not that insincere
that she should love you only for your strengths
or only to soothe her fear of the future
Lest when she learns of your weaknesses
should be disillusioned, and leave
I pray that you are not that insecure
that you should see only her beauty
blind yourself from her imperfections
Lest when you learn of her flaws
should be disappointed, and broken
that she should love you only for your strengths
or only to soothe her fear of the future
Lest when she learns of your weaknesses
should be disillusioned, and leave
I pray that you are not that insecure
that you should see only her beauty
blind yourself from her imperfections
Lest when you learn of her flaws
should be disappointed, and broken
2007/06/13
Think Of Me
Think of me
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me
once in a while -
please promise me
you'll try.
When you find
that, once again,
you long to
take your heart back
and be free -
if you
ever find
a moment,
spare a thought
for me
We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but if
you can still
remember
stop and think
of me
Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things
which might have been
Think of me,
think of me waking,
silent and
resigned.
Imagine me,
trying too hard
to put you
from my mind.
Recall those days
look back
on all those times,
think of the things
we'll never do -
there will
never be
a day, when
I won't think
of you . .
We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but please
promise me,
that sometimes
you will think
of me
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me
once in a while -
please promise me
you'll try.
When you find
that, once again,
you long to
take your heart back
and be free -
if you
ever find
a moment,
spare a thought
for me
We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but if
you can still
remember
stop and think
of me
Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things
which might have been
Think of me,
think of me waking,
silent and
resigned.
Imagine me,
trying too hard
to put you
from my mind.
Recall those days
look back
on all those times,
think of the things
we'll never do -
there will
never be
a day, when
I won't think
of you . .
We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but please
promise me,
that sometimes
you will think
of me
2007/06/10
The Heart Nebula
This picture reminds me of The Sacred Heart of Jesus.
Observe the center. It looks like Jesus hanging on the cross.
Explanation: What powers the Heart Nebula? The large emission nebula dubbed IC 1805 looks, in whole, like a human heart. The nebula glows brightly in red light emitted by its most prominent element: hydrogen. The red glow and the larger shape are all created by a small group of stars near the nebula's center. A close up spanning about 30 light years contains many of these stars is shown above. This open cluster of stars contains a few bright stars nearly 50 times the mass of our Sun, many dim stars only a fraction of the mass of our Sun, and an absent microquasar that was expelled millions of years ago. The Heart Nebula is located about 7,500 light years away toward the constellation of Cassiopeia. (NASA)
Observe the center. It looks like Jesus hanging on the cross.
Light From The Heart Nebula, 3rd October 2006
Credit & Copyright: Matt Russell
Credit & Copyright: Matt Russell
Explanation: What powers the Heart Nebula? The large emission nebula dubbed IC 1805 looks, in whole, like a human heart. The nebula glows brightly in red light emitted by its most prominent element: hydrogen. The red glow and the larger shape are all created by a small group of stars near the nebula's center. A close up spanning about 30 light years contains many of these stars is shown above. This open cluster of stars contains a few bright stars nearly 50 times the mass of our Sun, many dim stars only a fraction of the mass of our Sun, and an absent microquasar that was expelled millions of years ago. The Heart Nebula is located about 7,500 light years away toward the constellation of Cassiopeia. (NASA)
2007/05/27
The Many Words for Love
Someone once wrote: Love is another word for pain.
That is true, but only partially.
Consider the many faces of Love:
That is true, but only partially.
Consider the many faces of Love:
Love suffers long
Love is another word for Pain
and is kind;Love is another word for Kindness
love does not envy;Love is another word for Contentment
love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;Love is another word for Humility
does not behave rudely,Love is another word for Courtesy
does not seek its own,Love is another word for Selflessness
is not provoked,Love is another word for Serenity
thinks no evil;
Love is another word for Forgiveness
Love is another word for Righteousness
Bears all things,Love is another word for Strength
Believes all things, hopes all things,Love is another word for Faith
Endures all things.Love is another word for Perseverance
(1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
Love can indeed be painful. Nevertheless, somewhere down the road (most) people learn to be less self-centered and (begin to) see that in loving and giving, there is joy, peace, and fulfillment. People then learn to be less reactive and more responsive towards Love.
Consider:
Mothers who sacrifice their rest, even their lives, for their babies.
Parents who endure the troubles caused by their children.
Husbands who bear demanding professions to provide for their families.
Wives who forgo their careers to raise families.
Married couples withstanding each other’s weaknesses and annoying habits.
Engaged couples who sacrifice a more comfortable lifestyle to save up for marriages.
Even God Himself. Because of Love Christ “made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant… humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death on the cross.” (Philippians 2:7-8)
YET
“Therefore God also has highly exalted Him…” (Philippians 2:9)
Consider:
The peace in watching your loved ones sleeping.
The joy of parents when seeing their children utter their first words, and walk their first steps.
The excitement of becoming grandparents.
The intimacy of couples who have together endured years of hardships.
And more.
Yes, Love is rewarding.
Consider:
Mothers who sacrifice their rest, even their lives, for their babies.
Parents who endure the troubles caused by their children.
Husbands who bear demanding professions to provide for their families.
Wives who forgo their careers to raise families.
Married couples withstanding each other’s weaknesses and annoying habits.
Engaged couples who sacrifice a more comfortable lifestyle to save up for marriages.
Even God Himself. Because of Love Christ “made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant… humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death on the cross.” (Philippians 2:7-8)
YET
“Therefore God also has highly exalted Him…” (Philippians 2:9)
Consider:
The peace in watching your loved ones sleeping.
The joy of parents when seeing their children utter their first words, and walk their first steps.
The excitement of becoming grandparents.
The intimacy of couples who have together endured years of hardships.
And more.
Yes, Love is rewarding.
2007/05/26
2007/05/19
2007/05/13
Altered State
By Rick Eid
She had me at “You look different than I remembered.” It wasn't the opening line of my dreams, I admit, but it didn't matter. I was transfixed by N's earnest eyes, wavy yellow hair, and throaty Debra Winger voice. Twenty minutes later, I ordered a $42 filet mignon — and couldn't take a bite. I was so enraptured, I was nauseated. No woman has ever caused me to lose my appetite — though a few have made me want to throw up. Before date number three, I tried on 11 different shirts — beating my previous predate shirt-trying-on record by 10. A few weeks later, I walked out of a Hollywood soiree overflowing with uninhibited wannabe starlets so I could spend the night with N eating turkey meat loaf and watching Finding Nemo. The following Saturday I canceled golf plans in order to go dog-collar shopping for her chihuahua, Tito. The next day, we went on a frenzied search for the perfect espresso machine — even though neither one of us really likes espresso. It just seemed like the right thing to do. But I suppose the moment I really knew she was The One was when an internist was probing my prostate during an annual checkup. For those two invasive seconds, all I could think about was how much I loved N and how unfair it would be to get sick now, after all those years of being healthy and not madly in love. When Dr. Gorlitz removed his finger from my you-know-where (and nodded approvingly), I'd never been happier. Not because the exam was over, but because I knew my life was about to begin.
She had me at “You look different than I remembered.” It wasn't the opening line of my dreams, I admit, but it didn't matter. I was transfixed by N's earnest eyes, wavy yellow hair, and throaty Debra Winger voice. Twenty minutes later, I ordered a $42 filet mignon — and couldn't take a bite. I was so enraptured, I was nauseated. No woman has ever caused me to lose my appetite — though a few have made me want to throw up. Before date number three, I tried on 11 different shirts — beating my previous predate shirt-trying-on record by 10. A few weeks later, I walked out of a Hollywood soiree overflowing with uninhibited wannabe starlets so I could spend the night with N eating turkey meat loaf and watching Finding Nemo. The following Saturday I canceled golf plans in order to go dog-collar shopping for her chihuahua, Tito. The next day, we went on a frenzied search for the perfect espresso machine — even though neither one of us really likes espresso. It just seemed like the right thing to do. But I suppose the moment I really knew she was The One was when an internist was probing my prostate during an annual checkup. For those two invasive seconds, all I could think about was how much I loved N and how unfair it would be to get sick now, after all those years of being healthy and not madly in love. When Dr. Gorlitz removed his finger from my you-know-where (and nodded approvingly), I'd never been happier. Not because the exam was over, but because I knew my life was about to begin.
2007/05/06
p-r-o-m
Prom is seemingly a culmination of high school social life, where social aptitudes are put through the tests of fire and water in one night. Senior students face it with a mix of excitement and fear, as if it would be the time of their lives.
In many cases, prom is really a silent competition.
It is a time to flaunt the most stylish and expensive suits and dresses, the best and most dazzling looks, and the hottest dates. The popular exercise their freedom to appoint the perfect dates while the rest – the majority ‘losers’ – have their (secret) romantic wishes dashed and hearts broken.
I remember my prom – I remember very well the pain I felt.
I remember anxiously searching – in an ordinary department store – for an affordable something that would not make me look too bad. I was flabby and unattractive; and being a scholarship student, I could not afford a designer label or a tailored dress, or a fancy hair-do. Then the boy I secretly pined for, chose one of the most popular girls as his date instead of me (doh, obviously). It was expected to go with a partner of opposite sex, so I resolved to ask a boy whom nobody wanted as well.
Looking back now I feel rather sorry for him, having used him as a prop. Not that I am ungrateful. He could not and would not dance, but he wore an outfit that would suit what he thought I would wear. When the social pressure inside the ballroom became too much to bear, he faithfully walked with me around the lobby, along the hallways, up and down the hotel stairs – without voicing a word of complaint. (Dear Friend, if you are reading this, many, many thanks.)
Later that night, having paid much money for the ballroom, the students were given a fifty percent discount to rent a suite. Those who opted to stay, among others, were me, my crush, and his date. Ouch. My date chose to go home.
It became a night of stabbing pain and fake smiles.
However, something much worse was the fact that I was foolish enough to overlook what I should have cherished.
Had I understood better, I would have focused on those who offered me the warmth and happiness of friendship. I should have better appreciated the gift a close friend gave later that night. I could have focused on the joy of sharing a blanket with good friends while watching The Truman Show in the hotel suite. I could have cherished the last few moments our little circle of friends had, before each of us went our separate ways. That circle of friends was one of nerds, geeks and dorks, but we love(d) each other.
Had I known better, I would not have worried so much about my looks. I would not have felt that heart-broken about my crush (whom I thought I loved very much – I was dead wrong) and that jealous of his date, who had all the looks and wore an exquisite princess dress specially tailored for the occasion. I should not have used my date as a prop and gone with a good friend instead – someone whose company I could genuinely enjoy and vice versa.
It is foolish to stack adolescent romantic dreams on a prom night. After all, it is only a prom. Most couples who exchanged romantic promises that night did break up a while later. I remember what some people wore and how stunning some people looked then. I remember who the prom king and queen were. Yet those things no longer matter now.
Prom should be a celebration of friendship and young adulthood; with good food, good company, and a good amount of sensibility. Apart from this, prom is not that important – really.
2007/04/30
2007/04/12
Truly truly
I want so to be held close to you
Feel your heart beats, breathe in your scent
Lose myself in your presence, our presence
Before the night becomes too lonely and too cold
and days are spent holding back tears
When tracing your palm can only be dreamt
When no longer should I expect to see your shadow
In the places we know
I want so to be held close to you
Feel your heart beats, breathe in your scent
Lose myself in your presence, our presence
Before the night becomes too lonely and too cold
and days are spent holding back tears
When tracing your palm can only be dreamt
When no longer should I expect to see your shadow
In the places we know
2007/03/19
Early Morning
Again and again, through joys and pains
It is when I look at you
Still asleep in the early sunlight
Your disheveled hair and your handsome face
Your arm, draped across my breasts
Your breaths on my skin, moist and sweet
That I cannot help but softly murmur
With all my heart
I am so in love with you
I can go on loving you
Let me whisper sweet songs for you
Let us love
And never let go
It is when I look at you
Still asleep in the early sunlight
Your disheveled hair and your handsome face
Your arm, draped across my breasts
Your breaths on my skin, moist and sweet
That I cannot help but softly murmur
With all my heart
I am so in love with you
I can go on loving you
Let me whisper sweet songs for you
Let us love
And never let go
2007/03/14
2007/03/01
2007/02/16
2007/02/07
I am sorry
I never mean to leave you alone in your struggles
Never mean to only watch you from this distance
You have retained my admiration, if not respect
For not giving up, for keeping up the fight
When others have chosen to rest
Yet I am too frightened to be near you
I even become too tense to laugh
Your presence petrifies me
You tell me how worthless I am
Vomit on me your words of contempt
As I feign indifference and neglect
We keep hurting each other
I am sorry
I never mean to leave you alone in your struggles
Never mean to only watch you from this distance
You have retained my admiration, if not respect
For not giving up, for keeping up the fight
When others have chosen to rest
Yet I am too frightened to be near you
I even become too tense to laugh
Your presence petrifies me
You tell me how worthless I am
Vomit on me your words of contempt
As I feign indifference and neglect
We keep hurting each other
I am sorry
2007/02/05
2007/01/17
If
By Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting;
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating;
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings — nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty-seconds' worth of distance run —
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And — which is more — you'll be a Man, my son!
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting;
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating;
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings — nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty-seconds' worth of distance run —
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And — which is more — you'll be a Man, my son!
2007/01/14
Rules to date by
We've had to learn them the hard way -- and some of them, we're still learning.
By Nancy Hass
That dashing sport who pursues you with wild romantic gestures has probably pursued other women with those same gestures in the past -- and will probably do so in the future, perhaps even while he's using them on you.
When a man tells you he wants a woman who has "her own interests," that means he wants you not to complain when he golfs twice a week.
The little tics of his that bother you at the beginning either become instantly unimportant once you fall in love -- or bug you more each day until you want to blow your brains out.
It's not always better to start off a relationship with super sex: The hotter it is at the beginning, the more disappointing the inevitable leveling-off.
How much he makes you laugh is more important than how much he makes -- or even how much he makes you happy in bed.
Personal hygiene is very, very important.
The two questions you should ask early in a relationship are, "How young a woman would you date if you could?" and, "Would you choose a woman with breast implants over a woman with small breasts all her own?"
If a man tells you he "loves really smart women," check out how he reacts when it's you all the people at the dinner party are listening to raptly.
The most romantic words a man can say are, "I can't wait to hear what you think about this."
The most romantic words a woman can say are, "Just lie back and relax."
Sex on a beach only sounds romantic; the older you get, the more sand doesn't mix with your anatomy.
Just because a man is making passionate love to you every night doesn't mean he isn't cheating on you.
The man you thought was "too nice" to date in your 20s will look shockingly good at your college reunion.
"Bad boys" turn into bad men with drug and alcohol problems.
The eternal relationship dilemma is not "Do you love me?" but "How much togetherness is too much -- or not enough?"
Being single is preferable to being lonely in a relationship.
Other couples' relationships, which may look enviously romantic from the outside, are, behind closed doors, probably just as screwed up as yours.
By Nancy Hass
That dashing sport who pursues you with wild romantic gestures has probably pursued other women with those same gestures in the past -- and will probably do so in the future, perhaps even while he's using them on you.
When a man tells you he wants a woman who has "her own interests," that means he wants you not to complain when he golfs twice a week.
The little tics of his that bother you at the beginning either become instantly unimportant once you fall in love -- or bug you more each day until you want to blow your brains out.
It's not always better to start off a relationship with super sex: The hotter it is at the beginning, the more disappointing the inevitable leveling-off.
How much he makes you laugh is more important than how much he makes -- or even how much he makes you happy in bed.
Personal hygiene is very, very important.
The two questions you should ask early in a relationship are, "How young a woman would you date if you could?" and, "Would you choose a woman with breast implants over a woman with small breasts all her own?"
If a man tells you he "loves really smart women," check out how he reacts when it's you all the people at the dinner party are listening to raptly.
The most romantic words a man can say are, "I can't wait to hear what you think about this."
The most romantic words a woman can say are, "Just lie back and relax."
Sex on a beach only sounds romantic; the older you get, the more sand doesn't mix with your anatomy.
Just because a man is making passionate love to you every night doesn't mean he isn't cheating on you.
The man you thought was "too nice" to date in your 20s will look shockingly good at your college reunion.
"Bad boys" turn into bad men with drug and alcohol problems.
The eternal relationship dilemma is not "Do you love me?" but "How much togetherness is too much -- or not enough?"
Being single is preferable to being lonely in a relationship.
Other couples' relationships, which may look enviously romantic from the outside, are, behind closed doors, probably just as screwed up as yours.
2007/01/07
My Begotten Son
Left His heavenly glory for a lowly birth
Treaded the path of earthly sorrows
Endured persecution from His own creation
Died a slow, torturous, and humiliating death
My precious, precious child
I already gave you My Begotten Son
What good shall I withhold from you?
Abide in Me
Trust Me
Left His heavenly glory for a lowly birth
Treaded the path of earthly sorrows
Endured persecution from His own creation
Died a slow, torturous, and humiliating death
My precious, precious child
I already gave you My Begotten Son
What good shall I withhold from you?
Abide in Me
Trust Me
2007/01/05
Open Wounds
Sometimes I wonder
When you turn on nostalgic music from your youth and your mistress frowns because they are too old-fashioned for her
When you use archaic literary expression to explain your thoughts, and she does not understand
When you switch channel for the news, and she prefers watching something less intellectual
Sometimes, when you do things only Mother would appreciate
Would you miss Mother?
Ah, even if you do, your ego would keep you from apologizing
You were once my hero
I used to be that little girl hugging your pillow
Telling Mommy how I loved Daddy’s smell
Yet I never shall relive that memory
For I no longer revel in your scent
Would not even come close to your bed
So tainted
So wronged
Things are never again the same
Sometimes I wonder
When you turn on nostalgic music from your youth and your mistress frowns because they are too old-fashioned for her
When you use archaic literary expression to explain your thoughts, and she does not understand
When you switch channel for the news, and she prefers watching something less intellectual
Sometimes, when you do things only Mother would appreciate
Would you miss Mother?
Ah, even if you do, your ego would keep you from apologizing
You were once my hero
I used to be that little girl hugging your pillow
Telling Mommy how I loved Daddy’s smell
Yet I never shall relive that memory
For I no longer revel in your scent
Would not even come close to your bed
So tainted
So wronged
Things are never again the same
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