There were days when I was only an alternative
Manipulated, waiting in silent agony while he with guile
Enjoyed waters from different cisterns
How foolish I was to believe love should be abusive
Love’s Plan B
By Nando Pelusi, Ph.D. for Psychology Today, August 2008
This article is not available online. Excerpts:
Although we may love our exclusive partner, we can still think about other romantic possibilities – people we keep in a mental box that might as well be labeled “Open in case of current relationship’s demise.” No matter how content we are, we still seek a sense of security by creating a web of potential future romantic alliances. That’s why people are hardly shocked to hear that a sizable percentage of men trawling online dating sites are married.
Joshua Duntley, an assistant professor of psychology at Stockton College in New Jersey, uses the term “backup mates” to describe the Plan B partners. Duntley has surveyed college students on their tendency to keenly monitor the availability and social circumstances of other potential paramours. Backup partners are not merely short-term mates – someone with whom we have a fling. The backup mate is a man or woman who is viable as a serious partner in his or her own right. Men reported getting more upset when a desirable backup mate found another partner then when a short-term mate did so.
Our quest for love insurance takes many forms. When in a relationship, we may casually flirt with someone to whom we’re only mildly attracted, just to assess whether we’ve still got the stuff. But more often, the goal of a flirtation is to determine whether the other person is a viable partner, should the primary train go off-track.
For many in search of a runner-up partner, there’s a woman or man who knows they’re “it” (ie. the backup partner). Women are more often the ones waiting in the wings. This is in part a reflection of women’s generally high standards for mates. Many women gamble on the possibility of a (perceived) stellar mate, as opposed to the certainty of a man who is subpar.
Whether you’re a man or woman, the problem with being a backup is that once your inamorata labels you second tier, your chances of becoming the primary love interest diminish. Labels, once created, tend to stick. Plus, once you accept the role of runner-up, you risk seeing yourself as a perennial backup in many walks of life. You can find someone for whom you’re Plan A – but not if you’re inertly functioning as someone else’s Plan B.
What to do with a Plan B relationship:
If you’re left waiting in the wings:
Although we may love our exclusive partner, we can still think about other romantic possibilities – people we keep in a mental box that might as well be labeled “Open in case of current relationship’s demise.” No matter how content we are, we still seek a sense of security by creating a web of potential future romantic alliances. That’s why people are hardly shocked to hear that a sizable percentage of men trawling online dating sites are married.
Joshua Duntley, an assistant professor of psychology at Stockton College in New Jersey, uses the term “backup mates” to describe the Plan B partners. Duntley has surveyed college students on their tendency to keenly monitor the availability and social circumstances of other potential paramours. Backup partners are not merely short-term mates – someone with whom we have a fling. The backup mate is a man or woman who is viable as a serious partner in his or her own right. Men reported getting more upset when a desirable backup mate found another partner then when a short-term mate did so.
Our quest for love insurance takes many forms. When in a relationship, we may casually flirt with someone to whom we’re only mildly attracted, just to assess whether we’ve still got the stuff. But more often, the goal of a flirtation is to determine whether the other person is a viable partner, should the primary train go off-track.
For many in search of a runner-up partner, there’s a woman or man who knows they’re “it” (ie. the backup partner). Women are more often the ones waiting in the wings. This is in part a reflection of women’s generally high standards for mates. Many women gamble on the possibility of a (perceived) stellar mate, as opposed to the certainty of a man who is subpar.
Whether you’re a man or woman, the problem with being a backup is that once your inamorata labels you second tier, your chances of becoming the primary love interest diminish. Labels, once created, tend to stick. Plus, once you accept the role of runner-up, you risk seeing yourself as a perennial backup in many walks of life. You can find someone for whom you’re Plan A – but not if you’re inertly functioning as someone else’s Plan B.
What to do with a Plan B relationship:
- Throw yourself into your primary relationship.
- Cast a vote of confidence in your relationship by publicly proclaiming it. Public pronouncements carry social power.
- Desire for a perfect mate may keep you assessing prospects – but don’t confuse this inclination with a lack of basic satisfaction with your extant mate.
- Smile, relax, and actively love your mate as he or she is. Those who act lovingly start feeling more love.
If you’re left waiting in the wings:
- Limit the amount you’re willing to wait – and stick to your deadline for a resolution. Enlist a friend to monitor your progress.
- Accept the short-term hassles of moving on, and embrace the options you have been forgoing.
- Throw down an ultimatum: Only a showdown will get things moving.
- If within your time period, say, three months – the person does not make you their primary mate, focus on new opportunities.
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