I loved her

At Even, When the Sun Was Set

At even, when the sun was set,

The sick, O Lord, around Thee lay;

O in what divers pains they met!

O with what joy they went away!

Once more 'tis eventide, and we,

Oppressed with various ills, draw near;

What if Thy form we cannot see,

We know and feel that Thou art here.

O Saviour Christ, our woes dispel;

For some are sick, and some are sad,

And some have never loved Thee well,

And some have lost the love they had;

And some are pressed with worldly care,

And some are tried with sinful doubt;

And some such grievous passions tear,

That only Thou canst cast them out;

And some have found the world is vain,

Yet from the world they break not free;

And some have friends who give them pain,

Yet have not sought a Friend in Thee;

And none, O Lord, have perfect rest,

For none are wholly free from sin;

And they who fain would serve Thee best

Are conscious most of wrong within.

O Saviour Christ, Thou too art Man;

Thou hast been troubled, tempted, tried;

Thy kind but searching glance can scan

The very wounds that shame would hide;

Thy touch has still its ancient power;

No word from Thee can fruitless fall;

Hear, in this solemn evening hour,

and in Thy mercy heal us all.

Henry Twells

1823-1900

posted in loving memory of Bapak Putra Wirakesuma

I love you

Sweeter than the sweetest joy I ever imagined
In this crowded world, our hearts have found each other

Love

Love is a breach in the walls, a broken gate,
Where that comes in that shall not go again;
Love sells the proud heart's citadel to Fate.
They have known shame, who love unloved. Even then
When two mouths, thirsty each for each, find slacking,
And agony's forgot, and hushed the crying
Of credulous hearts, in heaven – such are but taking
Their own poor dreams within their arms, and lying
Each in his lonely night, each with a ghost.
Some share that night. But they know, love grows colder,
Grows false and dull, that was sweet lies at most.
Astonishment is no more in hand or shoulder,
But darkens, and dies out from kiss to kiss.
All this is love; and all love is but this.

By Rupert Brooke (1887-1915), English poet

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


By Pablo Neruda (1904-1973), Chilean writer
Cien Sonetos de Amor (100 Love Sonnets)

Originally published in Canto on 7 January 2007

My Begotten Son
Left His heavenly glory for a lowly birth
Treaded the path of earthly sorrows
Endured persecution from His own creation
Died a slow, torturous, and humiliating death

My precious, precious child
I already gave you My Begotten Son
What good shall I withhold from you?
Abide in Me
Trust Me

It's a latitude where you can't tell
whether you're living in dreams or reality
Or ever floating in-between
People say life is but a dream, but these days
I am unsure which is which

Reached up my hand, through the water's surface
into thick air, that felt void
my body hanging mid air

A city of smog underneath
Bustling in an awful silence
Blood trickles down my toes
Drips down, vanishes in the clouds
wait
One drop fell on a man's head
Down his hair, into his scalp

Still he went about his business
Not knowing

I must have been dreaming
It was of bonfire and warmth and
Blissful dances
Then the cold woke me up and
In the dark I see
It was only a mist
Only a mist
And I shiver

Take my hands, hide them
in the pockets of your coat

Enthrall me, look into my eyes
Share a smile, a laughter

I'll laugh and I'll cry
Pull me closer, soothe me

Kiss me gently, kiss me ardently
Until the world fades away

Convince me that always, you will
Love me like no other

Love's Plan B

These days I wake up with a relief – I am free
There were days when I was only an alternative
Manipulated, waiting in silent agony while he with guile
Enjoyed waters from different cisterns
How foolish I was to believe love should be abusive

Love’s Plan B
By Nando Pelusi, Ph.D. for Psychology Today, August 2008

This article is not available online. Excerpts:

Although we may love our exclusive partner, we can still think about other romantic possibilities – people we keep in a mental box that might as well be labeled “Open in case of current relationship’s demise.” No matter how content we are, we still seek a sense of security by creating a web of potential future romantic alliances. That’s why people are hardly shocked to hear that a sizable percentage of men trawling online dating sites are married.

Joshua Duntley, an assistant professor of psychology at Stockton College in New Jersey, uses the term “backup mates” to describe the Plan B partners. Duntley has surveyed college students on their tendency to keenly monitor the availability and social circumstances of other potential paramours. Backup partners are not merely short-term mates – someone with whom we have a fling. The backup mate is a man or woman who is viable as a serious partner in his or her own right. Men reported getting more upset when a desirable backup mate found another partner then when a short-term mate did so.

Our quest for love insurance takes many forms. When in a relationship, we may casually flirt with someone to whom we’re only mildly attracted, just to assess whether we’ve still got the stuff. But more often, the goal of a flirtation is to determine whether the other person is a viable partner, should the primary train go off-track.

For many in search of a runner-up partner, there’s a woman or man who knows they’re “it” (ie. the backup partner). Women are more often the ones waiting in the wings. This is in part a reflection of women’s generally high standards for mates. Many women gamble on the possibility of a (perceived) stellar mate, as opposed to the certainty of a man who is subpar.

Whether you’re a man or woman, the problem with being a backup is that once your inamorata labels you second tier, your chances of becoming the primary love interest diminish. Labels, once created, tend to stick. Plus, once you accept the role of runner-up, you risk seeing yourself as a perennial backup in many walks of life. You can find someone for whom you’re Plan A – but not if you’re inertly functioning as someone else’s Plan B.

What to do with a Plan B relationship:

• Throw yourself into your primary relationship.
• Cast a vote of confidence in your relationship by publicly proclaiming it. Public pronouncements carry social power.
• Desire for a perfect mate may keep you assessing prospects – but don’t confuse this inclination with a lack of basic satisfaction with your extant mate.
• Smile, relax, and actively love your mate as he or she is. Those who act lovingly start feeling more love.

If you’re left waiting in the wings:

• Limit the amount you’re willing to wait – and stick to your deadline for a resolution. Enlist a friend to monitor your progress.
• Accept the short-term hassles of moving on, and embrace the options you have been forgoing.
• Throw down an ultimatum: Only a showdown will get things moving.
• If within your time period, say, three months – the person does not make you their primary mate, focus on new opportunities.

Welcome

I welcome you to my porch
Come, sit with me on this swing if you like
I will tell you stories

You may speak or remain silent
Stay for a little while or longer
I honor your presence

Here comes the Rat
Always fast, never drags
Makes your Savings super fat
Brings you Profits in many sacks
Makes you happy and glad

Gong Xi Fa Cai
Happy Chinese New Year

This is a modified version of a less intelligent text I received on my mobile.

Sardonic

May I see with compassion, I pray,
For I cannot hide my wry smile at
The failed disguise, witnessing
Such fear of the future
The young ladies' anxiety and
The young man's insecurity

Do you love her for her, or is she only 
One of your options, to someday be discarded
(Are you playing with her feelings?)
Are you (frantically) grappling for love, affection
Some respect, admiration, some reason for self-worth
When you find another, who offers better promises
A greater sense of security, will you banish her
When will you stop measuring your worth by
The desire and acceptance from the opposite sex

The Eternal Sunshine

Waking up to the familiar pain
of Absence, and Loss
Piercing through your chest

You refuse to rise
Duties and pleasures
No longer matter much

Close your eyes
Turn back Time
Turn back Time

Look into his eyes
See that smile
Listen

Feel his palm, remember
The time you first held hands
That leap in your heart

Recall his scent
During the restless nights it
Calmed and lulled you to sleep

The miracle of Creation
where the then bony shoulders
Seemed too enticing to resist

Bring to life the places you know
The sights, scents and sounds
And then him, and you

Your breaths become deep and steady
Tears roll down your cheeks, and
You smile, and open your eyes

You will face the day

It is neither your family nor your friends
that caused my deep affection for you
It is rather, because I no longer know
How not to love you, that I choose to
Befriend your friends and love them, and
To endure, if not love, your family members

If you are in love

I pray that she is not that insincere
that she should love you only for your strengths
or only to soothe her fear of the future
Lest when she learns of your weaknesses
should be disillusioned, and leave

I pray that you are not that insecure
that you should see only her beauty
blind yourself from her imperfections
Lest when you learn of her flaws
should be disappointed, and broken

Truly truly
I want so to be held close to you
Feel your heart beats, breathe in your scent
Lose myself in your presence, our presence
Before the night becomes too lonely and too cold
and days are spent holding back tears
When tracing your palm can only be dreamt
When no longer should I expect to see your shadow
In the places we know

Early Morning

Again and again, through joys and pains
It is when I look at you
Still asleep in the early sunlight
Your disheveled hair and your handsome face
Your arm, draped across my breasts
Your breaths on my skin, moist and sweet
That I cannot help but softly murmur
With all my heart
I am so in love with you
I can go on loving you
Let me whisper sweet songs for you
Let us love
And never let go

I am sorry
I never mean to leave you alone in your struggles
Never mean to only watch you from this distance

You have retained my admiration, if not respect
For not giving up, for keeping up the fight
When others have chosen to rest

Yet I am too frightened to be near you
I even become too tense to laugh
Your presence petrifies me

You tell me how worthless I am
Vomit on me your words of contempt
As I feign indifference and neglect

We keep hurting each other

I am sorry