A kindergarten teacher in Texas asks a six-year-old girl to put her toys away, and she launches into full tantrum mode, screaming and knocking over her chair, then crawling under the teacher's desk and kicking so hard the drawers spill out. Her outbursts marks an epidemic of such incidents of wildness among kindergartners, all documented in a single school district in Fort Worth, Texas. The blow-ups occurred not just among the poorer students but among better-off ones as well. Some explain the spike in violence among the very young as due to economic stress that makes parents work longer, so that children spend hours after school in day care or alone and parents come home with a hair trigger for exasperation. Others point to data showing that even as toddlers, 40 percent of American two-year-olds watch TV for at least three hours a day -- hours they are not interacting with people who can help them learn to get along better. The more TV they watch, the more unruly they are by school age.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under age two not watch TV at all and that older children watch no more than two hours a day. The report on television and toddlers was presented by Laura Certain at the Pediatric Academic Societies annual meeting, Baltimore, April 13, 2003.
Excerpted from Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships (London: Arrow Books, 2007) by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D.
Showing posts with label social-science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social-science. Show all posts
2008/10/11
2008/07/29
more on Plan B
On 25 August 2007, approximately 11 months prior to my previous entry, my good friend and I had a discussion on Love's Plan B dilemma. I asked him to explain his point of view as a male who was having a relationship.
In his words, answering whether a man would keep maintaining and assessing alternatives despite having an exclusive partner:
Agree to some degree, because we use logic more than feelings. It seems logical. But I also disagree because sometimes, we already choose from the beginning.
Usually we collect as many possibilities as possible, then narrow down to a single choice, sometimes even with Plan B and Plan C. That's true.
But in choosing a [lifetime] partner it can be different. Some men just know because they also involve feelings and prayers. Logic may not work here.
For intelligent men and women, one of the greatest challenges is to surrender our logic and fully believe in God. That's why we should first seek his will.
My friend was married a few months after that late night chat. He boasts a transformed physique to prove his happy marriage. Once an underweight skeleton resemblance, he is now a healthy looking man, with baby-like chubby cheeks.
In his words, answering whether a man would keep maintaining and assessing alternatives despite having an exclusive partner:
Agree to some degree, because we use logic more than feelings. It seems logical. But I also disagree because sometimes, we already choose from the beginning.
Usually we collect as many possibilities as possible, then narrow down to a single choice, sometimes even with Plan B and Plan C. That's true.
But in choosing a [lifetime] partner it can be different. Some men just know because they also involve feelings and prayers. Logic may not work here.
For intelligent men and women, one of the greatest challenges is to surrender our logic and fully believe in God. That's why we should first seek his will.
My friend was married a few months after that late night chat. He boasts a transformed physique to prove his happy marriage. Once an underweight skeleton resemblance, he is now a healthy looking man, with baby-like chubby cheeks.
2008/07/27
Love's Plan B
These days I wake up with a relief – I am free
There were days when I was only an alternative
Manipulated, waiting in silent agony while he with guile
Enjoyed waters from different cisterns
How foolish I was to believe love should be abusive
Love’s Plan B
By Nando Pelusi, Ph.D. for Psychology Today, August 2008
There were days when I was only an alternative
Manipulated, waiting in silent agony while he with guile
Enjoyed waters from different cisterns
How foolish I was to believe love should be abusive
Love’s Plan B
By Nando Pelusi, Ph.D. for Psychology Today, August 2008
This article is not available online. Excerpts:
Although we may love our exclusive partner, we can still think about other romantic possibilities – people we keep in a mental box that might as well be labeled “Open in case of current relationship’s demise.” No matter how content we are, we still seek a sense of security by creating a web of potential future romantic alliances. That’s why people are hardly shocked to hear that a sizable percentage of men trawling online dating sites are married.
Joshua Duntley, an assistant professor of psychology at Stockton College in New Jersey, uses the term “backup mates” to describe the Plan B partners. Duntley has surveyed college students on their tendency to keenly monitor the availability and social circumstances of other potential paramours. Backup partners are not merely short-term mates – someone with whom we have a fling. The backup mate is a man or woman who is viable as a serious partner in his or her own right. Men reported getting more upset when a desirable backup mate found another partner then when a short-term mate did so.
Our quest for love insurance takes many forms. When in a relationship, we may casually flirt with someone to whom we’re only mildly attracted, just to assess whether we’ve still got the stuff. But more often, the goal of a flirtation is to determine whether the other person is a viable partner, should the primary train go off-track.
For many in search of a runner-up partner, there’s a woman or man who knows they’re “it” (ie. the backup partner). Women are more often the ones waiting in the wings. This is in part a reflection of women’s generally high standards for mates. Many women gamble on the possibility of a (perceived) stellar mate, as opposed to the certainty of a man who is subpar.
Whether you’re a man or woman, the problem with being a backup is that once your inamorata labels you second tier, your chances of becoming the primary love interest diminish. Labels, once created, tend to stick. Plus, once you accept the role of runner-up, you risk seeing yourself as a perennial backup in many walks of life. You can find someone for whom you’re Plan A – but not if you’re inertly functioning as someone else’s Plan B.
What to do with a Plan B relationship:
If you’re left waiting in the wings:
Although we may love our exclusive partner, we can still think about other romantic possibilities – people we keep in a mental box that might as well be labeled “Open in case of current relationship’s demise.” No matter how content we are, we still seek a sense of security by creating a web of potential future romantic alliances. That’s why people are hardly shocked to hear that a sizable percentage of men trawling online dating sites are married.
Joshua Duntley, an assistant professor of psychology at Stockton College in New Jersey, uses the term “backup mates” to describe the Plan B partners. Duntley has surveyed college students on their tendency to keenly monitor the availability and social circumstances of other potential paramours. Backup partners are not merely short-term mates – someone with whom we have a fling. The backup mate is a man or woman who is viable as a serious partner in his or her own right. Men reported getting more upset when a desirable backup mate found another partner then when a short-term mate did so.
Our quest for love insurance takes many forms. When in a relationship, we may casually flirt with someone to whom we’re only mildly attracted, just to assess whether we’ve still got the stuff. But more often, the goal of a flirtation is to determine whether the other person is a viable partner, should the primary train go off-track.
For many in search of a runner-up partner, there’s a woman or man who knows they’re “it” (ie. the backup partner). Women are more often the ones waiting in the wings. This is in part a reflection of women’s generally high standards for mates. Many women gamble on the possibility of a (perceived) stellar mate, as opposed to the certainty of a man who is subpar.
Whether you’re a man or woman, the problem with being a backup is that once your inamorata labels you second tier, your chances of becoming the primary love interest diminish. Labels, once created, tend to stick. Plus, once you accept the role of runner-up, you risk seeing yourself as a perennial backup in many walks of life. You can find someone for whom you’re Plan A – but not if you’re inertly functioning as someone else’s Plan B.
What to do with a Plan B relationship:
- Throw yourself into your primary relationship.
- Cast a vote of confidence in your relationship by publicly proclaiming it. Public pronouncements carry social power.
- Desire for a perfect mate may keep you assessing prospects – but don’t confuse this inclination with a lack of basic satisfaction with your extant mate.
- Smile, relax, and actively love your mate as he or she is. Those who act lovingly start feeling more love.
If you’re left waiting in the wings:
- Limit the amount you’re willing to wait – and stick to your deadline for a resolution. Enlist a friend to monitor your progress.
- Accept the short-term hassles of moving on, and embrace the options you have been forgoing.
- Throw down an ultimatum: Only a showdown will get things moving.
- If within your time period, say, three months – the person does not make you their primary mate, focus on new opportunities.
2008/07/17
Humor Me
I have a morbid sense of humor.
For the sake of propriety and personal security, I cannot detail here my latest Shakespeare-inspired joke about the government. However it is morbid enough that some people would surely find it unsettling. My pastor, and those who fancy themselves my spiritual mentors, might want to counsel me when they learn about it. God commanded us to bless and pray for the city we live in. (Je.29:7)
So am I psychologically twisted, or is telling morbid jokes a crucial coping mechanism? Tyler Stillman, a social psychologist at Florida State University, says, "Having a laugh in the face of death or extreme hardship can certainly have a place in healthy coping. Humor allows people to detach from extremely trying circumstances and attach to other people to get through difficult times." (read more)
Can my morbid jokes be justified then? I don't know.
For the sake of propriety and personal security, I cannot detail here my latest Shakespeare-inspired joke about the government. However it is morbid enough that some people would surely find it unsettling. My pastor, and those who fancy themselves my spiritual mentors, might want to counsel me when they learn about it. God commanded us to bless and pray for the city we live in. (Je.29:7)
So am I psychologically twisted, or is telling morbid jokes a crucial coping mechanism? Tyler Stillman, a social psychologist at Florida State University, says, "Having a laugh in the face of death or extreme hardship can certainly have a place in healthy coping. Humor allows people to detach from extremely trying circumstances and attach to other people to get through difficult times." (read more)
Can my morbid jokes be justified then? I don't know.
2008/05/25
My mother is a writer.
Well, she does business during the day, and writes occasionally at night.
She is an occasional columnist at a local Chinese newspaper. Her writings in the newspaper sound nearly like blog entries. They include fragments of her experience, her thoughts, and her feelings. They also include encouragement and some advice for her readers. Her benevolent side has driven her to provide some sort of one-way embrace for her readers. I guess it is therapeutic for her too. She started writing at a time of great sadness and loneliness. Only one year earlier, my father had left her for someone far younger, taking me with him, and my brother was studying in the States.
Mother and her writer friends have together published a children's zine entitled 小小世界 (A Small, Small World) to encourage children in their Mandarin studies. The full color zine includes stories, comic strips, and a few poems by prominent poets in Classical Chinese – poems she would memorize back in Junior School.
For all that, Mother does not know that her favorite daughter also writes publicly – in her blog. I have been blogging for five years, and I am still trying to figure out why I have not told Mother about my writing activity.
My first blog was named Heart Songs. I maintained it for almost two years before I terminated it for some undisclosed reasons. Some of my best writings were published there. Heart Songs archives were kept in my computer, until it got corrupted somehow and all my files were sent into oblivion. I regret having not created a back-up. A fragment of me died. I am still hurting.
I started Canto shortly after I retrieved Heart Songs. Canto is more than heart songs. Canto is songs on life, death, and the in-between. I chose to broaden my horizon and in some ways, be (slightly) less revealing about details. Canto is now in its third year, and is read by more and more people – meaning that I am being judged by more and more people; friends, co-workers, superiors, students, former teachers, and my pastor.
My pastor recently ran a seminar called Blogosphere. He looked miffed I had not come. He could have taught me how to run my blog more responsibly. Perhaps I refused to attend because I was not ready to have someone tell me how to manage my blog. Despite my strong impulse for (sometimes not so) funny meanness, knowing that important authorities are reading Canto already constricts me from writing about potentially too harmful entries – my even darker thoughts, things that will get me fired and trashed by the society.
So why bother making my blog public if the publicity is eventually frustrating? Cheers for Emily Gould, whose writing about whys and ups and downs and conflicts of blogging was published in The New York Times at the time I needed it the most. I recommend that you read the article completely.
Perhaps my not telling Mother about me blogging is because I would rather not have her check on me that way. There is no need to breed unnecessary worries in her. She sounded happy at our last phone conversation, and I want her to stay that way.
Well, she does business during the day, and writes occasionally at night.
She is an occasional columnist at a local Chinese newspaper. Her writings in the newspaper sound nearly like blog entries. They include fragments of her experience, her thoughts, and her feelings. They also include encouragement and some advice for her readers. Her benevolent side has driven her to provide some sort of one-way embrace for her readers. I guess it is therapeutic for her too. She started writing at a time of great sadness and loneliness. Only one year earlier, my father had left her for someone far younger, taking me with him, and my brother was studying in the States.
Mother and her writer friends have together published a children's zine entitled 小小世界 (A Small, Small World) to encourage children in their Mandarin studies. The full color zine includes stories, comic strips, and a few poems by prominent poets in Classical Chinese – poems she would memorize back in Junior School.
For all that, Mother does not know that her favorite daughter also writes publicly – in her blog. I have been blogging for five years, and I am still trying to figure out why I have not told Mother about my writing activity.
My first blog was named Heart Songs. I maintained it for almost two years before I terminated it for some undisclosed reasons. Some of my best writings were published there. Heart Songs archives were kept in my computer, until it got corrupted somehow and all my files were sent into oblivion. I regret having not created a back-up. A fragment of me died. I am still hurting.
I started Canto shortly after I retrieved Heart Songs. Canto is more than heart songs. Canto is songs on life, death, and the in-between. I chose to broaden my horizon and in some ways, be (slightly) less revealing about details. Canto is now in its third year, and is read by more and more people – meaning that I am being judged by more and more people; friends, co-workers, superiors, students, former teachers, and my pastor.
My pastor recently ran a seminar called Blogosphere. He looked miffed I had not come. He could have taught me how to run my blog more responsibly. Perhaps I refused to attend because I was not ready to have someone tell me how to manage my blog. Despite my strong impulse for (sometimes not so) funny meanness, knowing that important authorities are reading Canto already constricts me from writing about potentially too harmful entries – my even darker thoughts, things that will get me fired and trashed by the society.
So why bother making my blog public if the publicity is eventually frustrating? Cheers for Emily Gould, whose writing about whys and ups and downs and conflicts of blogging was published in The New York Times at the time I needed it the most. I recommend that you read the article completely.
Perhaps my not telling Mother about me blogging is because I would rather not have her check on me that way. There is no need to breed unnecessary worries in her. She sounded happy at our last phone conversation, and I want her to stay that way.
2008/05/16
Legal Murder: Euthanizing Premature Babies
"Some weight should be given to the economic considerations as there is a real issue in neonatal units of 'bed blocking'" ... The statement reflects a growing view among child specialists that babies born under 25 weeks should be denied intensive care and allowed to die. Next month the [British] Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health will debate a motion at its annual conference that it is "unethical" to provide intensive care routinely to babies born under 25 weeks.
If the so-called civilized society regards economic imperatives more highly than love and charity (Mt.22:37-40), soon enough the world might start endorsing euthanasia on infirm and decrepit men and women for "ethical" reasons.
So bid you an earlier farewell to your parents and grandparents?
Will you be ready, when the society deems you unfit to contribute, to have your offspring and loved ones bid you an earlier farewell?
If the so-called civilized society regards economic imperatives more highly than love and charity (Mt.22:37-40), soon enough the world might start endorsing euthanasia on infirm and decrepit men and women for "ethical" reasons.
So bid you an earlier farewell to your parents and grandparents?
Will you be ready, when the society deems you unfit to contribute, to have your offspring and loved ones bid you an earlier farewell?
2008/05/09
Post-Modern Loves
The interesting - if not pathetic - social implications of Post Modernism.
Note: The following does not represent my personal view or opinion.
"So when my friends and I started having a conversation about the nature of monogamy, I thought I knew something about monogamy. Because, despite the fleeting nature of most of my encounters, and despite my own role in their short duration, I think what I have been seeking in some form from all of these men is permanence.
Sometimes I don’t like them, or am scared of them, and a lot of times I’m just bored by them. But my fear or dislike or boredom never seems to diminish my underlying desire for a guy to stay, or at least to say he is going to stay, for a very long time.
And even when I don’t want him to stay — even when he and I find each other as strangers and remain strangers until we stop doing whatever it is we are doing — I still want to believe that two people can meet and like each other well enough to stay together exclusively, without the introduction of some 1960s rhetoric about free love or other noncommittal slogans.
But noncommittal is what we’re all about."
Note: The following does not represent my personal view or opinion.
"So when my friends and I started having a conversation about the nature of monogamy, I thought I knew something about monogamy. Because, despite the fleeting nature of most of my encounters, and despite my own role in their short duration, I think what I have been seeking in some form from all of these men is permanence.
Sometimes I don’t like them, or am scared of them, and a lot of times I’m just bored by them. But my fear or dislike or boredom never seems to diminish my underlying desire for a guy to stay, or at least to say he is going to stay, for a very long time.
And even when I don’t want him to stay — even when he and I find each other as strangers and remain strangers until we stop doing whatever it is we are doing — I still want to believe that two people can meet and like each other well enough to stay together exclusively, without the introduction of some 1960s rhetoric about free love or other noncommittal slogans.
But noncommittal is what we’re all about."
Marguerite Fields, a junior at Marlboro College in Vermont.
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